How children deal with divorce

Explaining divorce to children can be tougher than the legal hassles. Here's how to cope

Shreya had been suspended from school due to " extreme behavioural issues": bunking classes, slashing wrists, smoking in school and an " attitude problem"! It took me one session with her to realise that behind this I-don't-give-a-damn facade was a terrified girl, extremely confused about her world.

Her parents had split up a year ago after a long and bitter conflict.

Years of acrimony between the parents had seeped into the relationship with their daughter.

Constant digs at each other, sarcastic comments, insults and open hostility was taking a toll on her. " They are always interrogating me about each other, pushing me to take sides and keeping secrets. I am constantly thinking of what to say, what not to say. I just feel like running away from both of them."

HANDLE WITH CARE

Talk: It is important for both parents to talk to the children about the separation/ divorce. Preferably together so that the children can see that the parents have made this decision together.

Love: Children need to be told that their parents will continue to love them, even though they live separately.

Assure: Children have a tendency to blame themselves for the split. Therefore, it is very important to tell them that they are not responsible for the break up or reconciliation in any way.

Avoid criticism: Do not get tempted to score points against your partner by being critical or blaming him/ her. Remember every point scored against the other person is a point against the child.

Respect: Stay respectful of each other. Initially it might be difficult but with time you could work at an easy relationship. As Shreya told me, " I know my parents are never going to get back together but at least they can try to be civil with each other". Inform: You may need to offer an explanation, depending on the age of your children and the reason for divorce. As children mature, they will probably want more information.

Accept: Initially your child might want to totally deny the split up. Sometimes children take their time in internalising reality, especially when they are apprehensive of being stigmatised.

Be consistent: Work out a stable, secure living arrangement and discuss it with your children.

Consistency is extremely important.

For example, if the children are living with their mother then their visits to their father need to be worked out clearly, without any scope for confusion.

Be patient: Children find it difficult to manage transitions from one home to another. Give them time to settle down and do not bombard them with questions about the other home.

Sensitise: Inform the class teacher and try to sensitise her to take extra care.

Be disciplined: Parents can be lured into winning brownie points by buying children expensive toys or becoming lackadaisical.

Try coming to an understanding regarding a common culture for limits and boundaries.

Be there: Children need parents who are emotionally available to them and can understand their turbulent and difficult emotions. So be patient, listen to them.

Resolve amicably: Custody battles and dragging children through courts can be extremely destructive.

Parents' divorce can have a huge impact on a child's emotional well- being. It's important that parents don't ignore the child's misery while they sort out their marital issues.